Airports! Save Your Smile and Stop Doing These Things!

Diving in the Kerama Islands of Okinawa in 2021

The airport is the place where I can’t keep my zen. I can’t hide my annoyance even if I try. The moment I enter the airport, my bitch face takes over. No matter how many times I’ve done it, I can’t get over and accept all the bullshit things they do at the airport. I know, I know. You’re going to say that I’m mean and everyone is just trying to do their job, blah blah blah. You don’t think I know that? But I just can’t. And I will tell you why. This is a blog about all the annoying things I experience in Japanese airports. Some are universal while some are more confined to the country.

Let’s start with the very initial encounter with the airport personnels at the airline check-in counter where these people openly discriminate their customers with very friendly and smiley faces. I swear to god there was one time when I tried to check in and this lady was speaking to me very politely with a smile on her face, but she was essentially telling me “here is where our airline’s VIPs check-in. You, a peasant, fuck off and go over there(pointing at a much further place.)” Are you kidding me? I’m already here and I see no VIPs around here. It’s fucking corona time and this space is empty as fuck and you can’t check me in? Of course I didn’t say any of that. I just fucked off and went to where all the commoners go. Back to the original point, airline check-in counter. Let’s start with baggage drop-off. Some airlines, not all, (probably LCC only because I’m cheap) have this weird system. First, you put your baggage right beside the counter where they weight your stuff and strap ten million stickers on your baggage. That’s standard.  But the moment I thought I’m done with this 20kg shit, they ask you to pick up your shit again to go over to a different place for baggage check! In the past, the check-in counter used to be the last place where I would see my baggage before I showed up in a different city. I don’t know when they did the baggage check in the past but out of sight, out of mind. How come we regressed?

Can someone tell me why they ask your name when they give you the boarding pass? Is this a test? If it was, would it be an IQ test or crime test? Are they just trying to screen out stupid people who don’t remember their names? Or do they think that if this person stole somebody else’s ticket, they wouldn’t at least remember the name? You know what’s worst? They ask when they hand you the boarding pass so your name is clearly written on the thing!

Okay, what I’m going to tell you is relatively new and I promise it will blow your mind. Earlier I mentioned the baggage stickers, which I have always wondered why they can’t just make one that has all the information instead of ten different ones. It seems to be that airport people are just obsessed with stickers. Guess what, lately, they’ve invented one for your carry-on bag! They literally strap a sticker that says “carry-on carry-on carry-on” to the bag that you’re going to CARRY ON into the security zone and the plane. So everyone past the gates is walking around with their bags that say “carry-on.” Man, that just kills me! Not only do they do dumb shit, they also make their dear customers look dumb.

Nobody likes security checks. While we acknowledge that some parts are important, we also know that they do so many bullshit things that waste everyone’s time. Recently, Japan learnt this take-off-your-shoes trick from the Americans(surprise surprise!). The one small difference than the States is that you only need to do it if your shoes cover the ankles or above. So apparently, if a criminal were to hide any drugs or illegal items in their shoes, their only shot would be the space above the ankles. Fine, I’m taking off my shoes, getting off my jacket, you know, just doing my thing. As you walk down the line while putting all your shit on the trays, which itself is already a pretty stressful multi-task routine, the guard would, again super smiley and shit, be like “Show me your boarding pass. Show me your passport. Blah blah blah.” Jeez! Give me a break! Can’t you see that I’m busy over here? It’s not like my first time taking a plane. I know the drill! Just give me some time. Then you show your boarding pass to the guard before the body scanner, relieved that you’re finally done with this guy, pass the scanner. A second person shows up and asks for the boarding pass, again! What do you think could have happened in the last five seconds before which one of your guys has just seen it? If anything at all could happen, it would be your body scanner that radiated radioactive waves and destroyed my boarding pass.

You are allowed to bring liquid more than 100ml when flying domestically. Walking past the body scanner holding a Lawson coffee is always my biggest victory against the airport bureaucracy, but there’s still yet another acting scene you and the security guy need to partake in. There are two types of beverage check. If it’s an open drink like a Starbucks coffee, they ask you to take a sip in front of them. If it’s a pet bottle, they sometimes do the same or put it in a mysterious machine. The whole scene of having somebody watching you taking a tiny sip of your drink to prove that you are not a criminal is just so absurd. How much illegal stuff do you think I can smuggle with this one coffee cup? What you really should do is to ask people to have a sip of each of the Sake and Japanese whiskey bottles that they have in their checked bags. At least we will have some kind of drinking party going on. Let’s not forget the mysterious machine. What does it do, really? Well, the pet bottle does fit quite well with the bottle holder part of the machine. I give you that for the good design but the holder just lifts the bottle up and lowers it down. I don’t see any result telling what’s inside my drink.

Finally, it’s boarding time, you carry your carry-on tagged with a carry-on tag to the plane. These airline people still smile at you when they scan your boarding pass one last time and you really wish that it’d be your last time seeing that fake smile. The plane starts to taxi. Flight attendants walk down the aisle to make sure that their dear passengers are following the safety rules. I agree with most of the rules, but can someone, please, please, explain to me why they make us lift up the window blocker during takeoff and landing? It’s just freakishly bright outside. How do you want me to make use of the information of the whereabout or the altitude of the plane anyway? Well, I guess I will have a heads-up if the plane is about to crash and I can recount the scene of how I died more vividly when I meet others in heaven (or hell, something that I won’t have a heads-up for.)

I love traveling by planes but man, I just can’t stand airports.