My Relationship with Injuries

 

I can recall three major injuries vividly in the last three years - a low-back pain from yoga, a  n injury in the ankle from snowboarding and most recently, a big cut in the right foot from surfing. I observed my reactions very closely throughout the injuries and my relationship with injuries generally involves three elements: self-blame, identification with the ruthlessness character, and last but not least, grit (the most positive one!) Self-blame: If you know me, you’d know that “just love yourself and do not think to improve yourself” is definitely not going to be my recommended remedy of self-blame. The love-yourself notion has been overly wrongly publicized. Identification with the ruthlessness character: if recklessness is not your gem, you might still be subconsciously identifying yourself with some other traumatic experiences, toxic character traits and/or thoughts that pull you down. Grit: “Oh there’s nothing I can do!” Is rarely the case unless we are in extremely unfortunate situations. The determination to do my best amid an injury is a positive feedback that strengthens my belief that there’s always something within your control to improve your situation, even just a little better. Now, let’s explore these three elements together.

“Why are you so dumb?” Was always, always my first thought after the realization of an injury. It was so powerful that it overwhelmed any pain. Don’t get me wrong. I could feel the pain but it just didn’t matter. The amount of frustration and blame I have for myself can put all the pain that I was experiencing in the background. Here’s the funny part: I could even dislike myself for my self-blame because I knew that self-blame from an injury was not what all those hours on my yoga mat were for. It really takes time for the self-blame to subside. I would have to relive the whole experience of the injury, go through all the moments and judge whether each moment that led to the injury was something within my control. Moments that were not, fine, great, it’s just life. What about the moments that were partly my fault? I remember the current was quite strong the evening surf where I got the cut in the foot. I was high in adrenaline and was seriously all over the place. I crashed quite badly a few times already but I was not afraid at all. And there I pin-pointed why I blamed myself so much. Indeed there was something that I could have done differently to prevent the injury. Don’t ride all the waves. Stay further from the rope if the current is strong. However, this trickiest part that most people, including myself, is to truly accept the reality that we couldn’t have done things differently. I have to emphasize the word “truly.” Most of us only know, but to truly grasp the ultimate reality that the past is unalterable is not easy. People subconsciously think that if they continue to blame or hate themselves, they could somehow alter the past. But no, you have to let go. Bear 100% of the mistaken part that’s within your control, but nothing else that’s out of your control, learn the lesson, give yourself a smile and tell yourself “it’s ok. Try again next time.”

I am not a crazy reckless person, but most people who know me would probably think that I’m more ruthless than an average person. I get hurt when I go overboard. When it happens, I would tell myself how much I dislike my ruthlessness. One would think if you don’t like something, it should be easier to change right? While that’s true, the crux of the issue is, if you dive deeper into your psyche, sometimes you’d find out that you actually cling to trauma, pain and all these “bad” character traits that make up who you are. There’s a fear that if you lose it, you will lose a part of your identity. I learned that I actually cling to this ruthless character and am even slightly proud of it when I heard other people’s stories. I don’t think of these crazy people as ruthless or dumb. When a surfer told me that he continued surfing for a few more days when he broke his wrist during a surfing trip in Indonesia, I admired his passion and tolerance of pain. I thought “Wow. This is so cool.” Eventually, I still concluded to myself that he made a bad decision but that was a conscious rationale that came way long after my initial reaction. How can I not get myself killed and not have an identity crisis? The answer is simple but not easy: I want to be brave, not reckless, but I was more reckless than brave. Honestly, telling people your injury stories is cool but the recovery is never worth it.

Never give up. Stay hopeful. Try to look for solutions to make things at least a little better. These are the things I learned about myself from injuries. I can be quite laser-focused when I really want to do something. I will seek out every possible solution. When I twisted my ankle in a snowboarding trip. I took pain-killers. I stayed in bed the whole day and raised my ankle on pillows. I frantically put on ice-packs, which I made by myself with towels and ice I requested from the kitchen, every 20 minutes. I diligently followed the 20-min-on-ice and 20-min-off-ice cycle for two full days. I already accepted that I might not be able to snowboard for the rest of the trip but that didn’t mean that I shouldn’t try to do something to speed up the recovery. I’m recovering from my cut in my right foot as I’m writing this now. I should refrain from any movements of my right foot so I can’t do my full yoga practice or go to the beach. But after two days of complete rest, I picked out all the poses that don’t require the right foot and practice those. For some postures I just do the left side or I simplify. To compensate, I added three rounds of 5-minute plank everyday. This is as close I can get to maintain the level of flexibility and strength. Make the best out of everything. I don’t like it when people use the word “silver-lining” because the word implies that you are still worse than the hypothetically better other world, which from my point of view, simply doesn’t exist. If you live every moment of your life trying your best to make the best out of it, it will be the best life; and there’s no other alternatives. Injuries aren’t great, but when they happen, these are opportunities for me to be creative and try different things. 

This is my relationship with injuries. They are challenging journeys in which I discover more about myself. As much as I don’t want them to happen, my hope is that I will cope with the next one in a more healthy way, both mentally and physically.