I Try To Be Strong Because I Want To Be Happy

Facilitating a group discussion during an event of my company

I have been told that I am like the sun, constantly emanating energy and super charged with positivity and happiness. I did not take it as a part of my character too seriously until I was told in various occasions by different people in the past couple of years. When I started to think about it, I recognized that although I have met people of different ages, jobs, hobbies and lifestyles, most of them share a similar level of average mood and happiness, which is average. My definition of an average mood and happiness is that people are doing generally ok; they are aware of how much better off they are compared to their previous generations; they have grown to either adapt or accept all the little problems of a modern life. The most obvious trait of an average average (not a typo) mood is that it is really difficult to lift it up. Most people do not get very excited even being shown to the most amazing thing in the world, and yet they are always in search of the next amazing thing. Additionally, because of regression to the mean, an uplifted mood does not last for long. This describes most people, at least the people that I know of, I believe. No wonder why some people would think of me as super energetic and positive. I do not know what happiness truly means, but I genuinely think that I am happy and am a happy person, and you can step aside if you want to give me a lecture on happiness. I wake up everyday feeling grateful that I get to live for another day. I feel grateful after every yoga practice and every surfing session. I always I wonder what I have done such that I deserve to be friends of some amazing people. Maybe this is it: my positive energy is my contribution to the world. I have made it a personal life mission to spread my energy and happiness to the people around me. I feel like I just might know a little bit about the secret of happiness. People read all kinds of books and get therapies in search of it so I want to show it to people in a simpler way: I try to spread my energy and happiness whenever I meet them. In addition to that, I thought it might also be worth to put my ideas into words. You, my beloved reader, are the one to decide whether you want to put these ideas into action.

One of the biggest misunderstanding people have is that if they want to be happy, they need to constantly have hyper experiences like traveling, having expensive meals, watching a concert show, buying things, etc. These experiences do make you feel better, hence happ-ier, than before, but the lifted mood is as ephemeral as the nature of these experiences themselves. Being happy is about the average state you are in while you are just living your life. In fact, seeking out the next thing to do, which is basically "how do I make myself happy" in action, can be a burden itself. Therefore, instead of planning the next trip, why not spend some time to make your home cleaner and tidier? Instead of eating whatever during the week because you are looking forward to the restaurants you will go to on the weekend, why not try to put a little more thought into every meal. If you start paying attention to the food you eat, you will learn what ingredients you are more naturally drawn to, so it becomes easy to prepare simple meals that you can appreciate. Instead of continually looking for the next event or concert to attend, why not just go for a walk in the nearby park or look at the ocean. This sounds cliche but if nature is not your thing, just watch the people around you. Lives happening around you can be as interesting as a concert or a movie if you pay attention. Buying things is a difficult one. There is not a clear line between wants and needs. It is most likely a mix of both. However, in contrast with what most people think, I do not think that chasing after material goods is a cause of dissatisfaction of life. I think it is an indication of the dissatisfaction. If one is generally content with other aspects of their life, they naturally would not desire many material goods. I do not have anything against pleasurable experiences. They are the cherry-on-top if one can afford the time and money. But in the end, becoming a happier person is about leveling up the general state of your mind, which can only be achieved by enhancing the quality of your everyday life.

Stoicism 101: understanding what is in your control and what is not. This is foundational to leading a happy life. One only has finite mental power and physical power so it is only wise to focus on things that they have control over. A lot of people are so busy thinking and worrying about other people whom they absolutely cannot change and problems that they cannot solve. Laser focus your attention and energy on things that you have control over and take actions. Let go of the things you cannot control and go with the flow. Unfortunately, it is way easier said than done. I noticed that most people do not even recognize what is within their control. There have been many occasions where people were impressed by my ability to take actions, and mind-boggled (but sometimes annoyed for some weird reasons) by my ease and go-with-the-flow mindset in the midst of a crisis. Sometimes these worried people who are jumping around and acting busy in face of a problem they cannot solve would actually be upset by why I am not as worried as they are. On my defense, I would ask them if any of the things they have done so far or their worried emotion is going to solve the problem. They would often become speechless and give me this interesting "I know, but..." look, and I would know that I am right. Do not start getting philosophical about what is really within your control and what is not. I am talking about living a real life. If the level of control you have is a spectrum, most problems lean heavily towards one of the two ends. You would be doing a fantastic job if you can nail these obvious problems. How to become better at understanding what is in your control and what is not? It is simple. Just experiment! On one extreme, try to do as much as you can on certain occasions and see how much impact you make. On the other extreme, do as little as needed and try to go-with-the-flow and see what life brings you. Surely, experiment with the in-between level of effort as much you can. You will become better at it as you try. In short, a sense of control is a source of happiness, and letting go of things beyond reach frees up your mind and body.

Anger is an enemy of happiness. I have seen how people with anger issues struggle to tame the demon inside them in order to retain their sanity and appear as socially acceptable human beings. I do not have anger issues myself but I do get angry sometimes and so do most people. We only vary in the frequency and severity. What I am going to write will not "cure" anger but it will help. First and foremost, anger is a conundrum. It is a conundrum because you are having a reaction (doing something) to a situation that you do not have control over with, but you are being angry instead of doing something useful exactly because you know that there is nothing else you can do. You know that anger would not help and yet you are still angry. Yes, this is being human. We need to accept this human nature. Then, stay watchful. Try to increase the time and space between a circumstance and your reaction. This is also from the teachings of the Stoics: you do not have control of the circumstance but you can choose your response. This teaching applies to all circumstances and emotions but is particularly useful when dealing with anger. 

Don't let others destroy you. I did not realize how important this motto to me until I wrote this post. My brain shouted "don't let others destroy you" strongly when I was self-reflecting how I stay happy. This idea is very closed to the idea of choosing your reactions to situations. I do genuinely believe that people are generally nice in their neutral state but when things go bad, human nature can become ugly. Jealousy, greed and aggressiveness can make people want to hurt you and harm you. Do not get angry at them. Do not revenge. Most importantly, don't get brought down by others, because that is exactly what they want. They want you to be as sad as them but the truth is: you don't have to. I think this is what being strong means. I do not want to be strong just because. I want to be strong enough to always have the choice of happiness.

Boost your general state of happiness by enhancing the quality of your daily life. Pay attention to what things in life are within your control and what are not. Tame anger by increasing the space and time between a circumstance and your reaction. Last but not least, don't let others destroy you. Truth to be told tough, you will be unhappy even if you do all of these 90% of the time, because life is full of wonders. It is the unpredictability of life that makes it exciting but it means that there will be bad times. During the bad times, you are not a victim, at least you can choose to not think of yourself as one. Suck it up and live on. Easier said than done as usual. Of course, you can criticize how easy it is for me to say all of these things because I am so privileged, which can very well be true. However, it is not about me. The decision is always in your hands whether or not you want to do whatever possible in your own circumstances to make your life a bit happier.