I Am No Good For Anything

The end of a yoga practice on a road trip

I am five years into the Mysore-style practice of Ashtanga Yoga. I am probably one of the most disciplined practitioners. I rarely skip any practice. And yet, my progress in asanas is slower than most people, who are not as disciplined as me or who are not as young as me. At least this has been my experience.

I know yoga is not about asanas (yoga postures.) I know suffering comes from comparing yourself to others. 

 But there is always light at the end of the tunnel, so let us talk about comparing myself to others in the journey of asanas. 

 It has been five years! If you consider a two-hour practice, six-day a week schedule throughout the year for five years, it is a lot of yoga! Yoga has taught me a lot of things about our body. One thing is that it takes a hell lot of time to change the structure of your body or to loosen things up, even for just a little bit. The journey teaches me humility. I surrender to God (a Supreme) that I have a body that is so difficult to change, but I am willing to put in the work to achieve as much as You would allow. PAUSE. But why am I lagging behind other devoted practitioners? 

 LET ME TELL YOU WHY I think I am lagging behind. I am still doing the primary series, although I can do the full primary series now, most people who started their practice in their twenties or thirties with moderate discipline are normally on the second series already in their third or forth year. Yet, with five years of grinding, there are still a lot of postures that I surely have "a lot of room for improvement" in the primary series. I cannot touch my hands to the floor in Prasarita Padottanasana C. My hips are not squared in Utthita Parshvakonasana B and Virabhadrasana. I cannot roll up in Urdhva Mukha Paschimattanasana. Just forget my Marichyasana, because my yoga teacher is still telling me to focus on Suryanamaskara A and B!

I KNOW WHY, probably. One plausible account is that I mostly do home practice. Most practitioners, especially in the first few years, practice with a Ashtanga Yoga teacher regularly, by regularly, I mean a few times a week. I had practiced with various yoga teachers and eventually settled into one teacher whom I will always go back to. I was never able to do that for a long time though because of my lifestyle. I can feel the importance of a good teacher who can observe you closely and understand your body and mind. They are the ones who correct you, provide adjustments that help you overcome certain bottlenecks fasters and slow you down when you are too ambitious and become likely to get injured. However, I am mainly a home practitioner and practicing by yourself means that you will not improve on your asanas as fast compared to others who practice with teachers consistently.

I AM NO GOOD FOR ANYTHING is still a feeling that pops up sometimes when I do certain asanas. Despite of the reason explained above, I cannot help but feel useless when, for example, I make no progress and still feel like making round-trips to nirvana after doing the same deepness of Urdhva Dhanurasana (backbends) after a few months. And honestly, I am not particularly good at staying mindful either so I cannot make up my deficiency in asanas with mindfulness. The logical mind knows that this way of thinking is not true and is not good for me either. I have read from many great philosophers and spiritual teachings that when there is an internal conflict in your mind, it is because the truth you are perceiving is not real and/or the way you are perceiving the world is flawed. I have not figured out a way to unveil the truth to make peace with my human nature of competitiveness. And I am struggling every day both physically and mentally (especially during backbends!)

NO, I HAVE NOT FOUND THE TURTH, at least not yet. I do not think it is right (or even possible, really) to just will your mind into thinking that you are good at something. Therefore, I have to do something to seek out the truth: Am I already doing my best if home practice is my only option? If not, what should I try? What is it that is blocking me from advancing my asanas?

Until I figure it out, practice, practice, practice, and all is coming - basically brute force, but hey, what can I do? I also surrendered to be a hard-working person.