A Confession To My Partner

Removing old wax from my surfboard

Written On May 3rd, 2023

I am not perfect. I cannot be my best-self every day and every minute. 

I was so exhausted this morning. I will-powered my way through my yoga practice under the blazing sun. I told myself "this would be my only physical exercise today because there would not be enough time for me to surf." I completed my yoga practice, came back to the car to take my ten-minute Shavasana rest. You returned from surfing, looked very happy and asked me if I would like to go surfing. You even told me that you came back just to tell me that I can surf if I want to. A lot went into my mind to answer that question. My immediate answer came from body: "no, I shouldn’t go." I already pushed through yoga and packed myself on the back for that. I had no doubt that I was actually tired. On the other hand, I wanted to live up to you. I slept for nine hours last night, so it seemed like there is no reason for me to be tired still. It took us so long to finally reach this beautiful island to surf and enjoy the ocean, so of course I personally would want to make the most out of it. I know you would want me to get the most out of it as well. You told me that it was totally up to me, and I decided that I would try to be the best-self today too, so I said “let’s go surfing!” The water was clean, the mountain had this saturated green and the sky was clear blue. It was so nice. Unfortunately, I was exhausted inside, and the whole time I was afraid that you would find out. I tried, but I could not talk or joke like I always do, and then I was afraid that you would become upset because of that too. 

In the end, I could not do well. I could not follow your guidance. It was not your fault to get upset, because you care so much about my surfing. You want me to become good as badly as I do, maybe even more than myself.

I collapsed when I was alone in the convenience store. I cried and cried. I had been trying really hard to be my 100% perfect self every day and every moment because I know that even a 100%-Michelle is probably only an average-60% partner to you. Unfortunately, I realized that I cannot be a 100%-Michelle all the time. In retrospect, it had been really crazy of me to fantom that I could do that.

You are a true inspiration to me. You motivate me to be a better surfer, a better partner and a better human-being. Nevertheless, I cannot be the best-self all the time, and I do not expect you to be at your best all the time either. If we are partners, we accept each other all the same, on the good days and the bad.

Written today

We had a conversation some days after. I was really glad that we were able to talk about it calmly. More importantly, we could describe what goes on in our mind to each other. It really helps me understand you better. You said that you are not perfect and asked me to tolerate when you have a bad temper. Sure, I will. May I ask you to also tolerate and love this average-60%-sometimes-below-average-40% partner?